Where I Stop is Where I Start

I come to this place over and over the wall of feelings, the wall of thoughts, the wall of trauma and neglect. I even bring my chair here sometimes.
I sit at the wall where I stop and pound on the wall and scream.

Who am I screaming at? The wall doesn't care in fact it grows taller and thicker with every word, every punch.

"Why don't you listen", I scream ' 'Why are you in my way"? I Just want to move on but you stop me here every time."

"You are so frustrating and you Just don't get it, get me -- you stop me from
Moving forward". I continue my rant: "But you are also behind me and all around me! I scream "I'm trapped! I'm trapped!"' I shout at the wall, "are you listening to me?" Listening? The wall doesn't care and the wall is still there. 

I paint the wall so that it doesn't look so foreboding and dark. I plant flowers in front of it and even a vine of Jasmine. Sometimes, I forget the wall is there and I just sit there admiring the flowers and the fragrance. Then as I go to pick a flower and smell its beauty, the wall swallows up the flowers, the vines, the fragrance. And once again, I am back where I stopped, because I never really left.

I feel lost and isolated within the wall as it wends its way all around me.  The past wall, the future wall, the present wall, and the pain and pleasure walls all surround me. There is an element of safety here, I must say. Familiar, albeit bleak.

I try to make friends with the wall, yet the wall is silent, like it's waiting for something, waiting for me perhaps?

What is the wall waiting for?
What am I waiting for?
I can't get over it , under it, or around it.
The wall doesn't care, but it seems to be listening, without judgement.
And my ravings and wild thoughts are not impugned here.

I am puzzled by its indifference.
I guess I have enough impunity to go around.

The co-num-drum beats louder and louder like war-drums pressing me into battle. The rhythms are calling me, driving me ever deeper inward toward a faceless enemy. Hmmm, there's an inward wall that looks a whole lot like the outer wall. Perhaps there is a connection, or a reflection?

Curiouser and curiouser!

Inside, the wall is a little different. It still doesn't care, but it feels different.
There is sadness here, as I wail my prayers, putting notes in the cracks hoping that the wall will answer my cries. The wall holds my prayers, and remains silent.

As I continue to beat my head against the wall, my head begins to open, and connect with an old friend that I completely forgot about, my Heart. My h-ear-t h-ears and with open arms longing for remembrance and connection. T-ears and f-ears well-up and wait for release.

Perhaps the wall is what is calling me to my heart? Or is the rhythmic beating?
This is a tender place, where I really feel my pain.
But is that all there is here in my heart, PAIN?

I see a break, a breach, a tear in my heart wall. I don't like this wound, this crack in my heart. It is so intense and emotional and agonizing. Yet, I hear a wooing voice calling me though the crack. The voice sounds like it is weeping.  Tears  of compassion and love have their own sweet sound.

There is Light in the voice that shines through the crack. As I write my prayers on pieces of paper and stick them in the crack, a flame releases the prayer to ascend and descend like a breath of incense on an ancient altar. Prayers turn to silence and reach into the highest heaven and lowest hell. Here in the Fire and the Light, my prayers are heard, and held and... perhaps healed?

How is this possible?  

It feels like my heart is a crucible for metals to melt and a cauldron for alchemical solutions to boil. The inner chamber, a nuclear reactor that holds impossible forces to create possible inn-ergy.

Suns and stars know this place. Where tidal forces and gravitational eddies form energy and matter and life, that eventually implode in order to explode new elements that expand once again into the cosmic cauldron of spacetime.

The rift in my psyche is a doorway beyond the confines of my imprisoned feelings, pain, suffering, trauma, and thoughts. A black hole where matter is condensed into a tiny particle, and where time slows in the event horizon to stillness. The metals of matter and energy, heated beyond white hot and pounded with the hammers of gravitational forces inside a sun to release the trapped psychic impurities so that the metals can be re-formed into another incarnation of being.

I also see that the crack in my heart reveals a hidden doorway in the wall. Another dimension waiting to be opened. Where did the door come from? I beat on the wall and cried and cried and it wasn't there until I felt the crack opening me.

As I stay with the fissure that is expanding, the wall slowly dissolves into a portal. The crack becomes a threshold that can no longer contain the phenomena that once came from form then escaped the confines of form and returned to emptiness. After all the pressures and heat, emptiness and form release into interbeing and understanding.

The wall is constructed of code that was programmed from binary illusions, to form our binary causal reality. 1s and 0s. A marvel of programming cascading like a waterfall of tears in infinite combinations. This code comes from machine existence to create objective reality. Twisting and untwisting elaborate schemes and tales of  immense complexity. It seems so real. Yet it is just digital rain that eventually falls so that it can reintegrate into the Mind behind the code, where the machine doesn't exist. Annihilation and reintegration as a unified field of quantum entanglement.

So the elaborate wall of code and calculations that once formed an external reality from a machine mind slowly unravels into something more than binary particles of thought and feelings. I am not a coppertop that only exists to fuel the machine.


The wall is a virtual construction without reality, objective or otherwise. It cannot be penetrated by the same reasoning that created it. Reality is beyond creation, noumena and phenomena. Noumena and phenomena coalesce and annihilate each other. No more attachment, no separate reality. Rather a harmonious field of interbeing, not dependent on inner or outer forces.

Contradiction creates paradox. Paradox creates energy that transcends causal binary reality into pan-dimensional interbeing without constraints. As I begin to see that there is no spoon for me to bend, but only myself, the wall becomes a mirror, the looking glass that is looking back into me.

Where I stop is where I start. Bismillah!

"I knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then." Alice's Adventures in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass.

“Have you ever stood and stared at it? Marveled at its beauty, its genius? Billions of people just living out their lives, oblivious. Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world, where none suffered? Where everyone would be happy? It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Entire crops were lost. Some believed we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect world. But I believe that, as a species, human beings define their reality through misery and suffering. The perfect world was a dream that your primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from. Which is why the Matrix was redesigned to this, the peak of your civilization. I say your civilization because as soon as we started thinking for you, it really became our civilization, which is, of course, what this is all about: Evolution, Morpheus, evolution. Like the dinosaur. Look out that window. You had your time. The future is our world, Morpheus. The future is our time.”https://www.moviequotedb.com/movies/matrix-the.html

“All alone, or in twos
The ones who really love you
Walk up and down, outside the wall
Some hand in hand
And some gathered together in bands
The bleeding hearts and the artists make their stand
And when they've given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all it's not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall

Outside the Wall: Roger Waters, James Guthrie &
Release Date November 30, 1979

“All alone, or in twos
The ones who really love you
Walk up and down, outside the wall
Some hand in hand
And some gathered together in bands
The bleeding hearts and the artists make their stand
And when they've given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all it's not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall

Outside the Wall: Roger Waters, James Guthrie &
Release Date November 30, 1979

"Anthem"  Leonard Cohen

"The birds they sang
At the break of day
Start again
I heard them say
Don't dwell on what
Has passed away
Or what is yet to be.
Ah the wars they will
Be fought again
The holy dove
She will be caught again
Bought and sold
And bought again
The dove is never free.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.

We asked for signs
The signs were sent:
The birth betrayed
The marriage spent
Yeah the widowhood
Of every government
Signs for all to see.

I can run no more
With that lawless crowd
While the killers in high places
Say their prayers out loud.
But they've summoned, they've summoned up
A thundercloud
They're gonna hear from me.

Ring ring ring ring ring

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in

You can add up the parts
But you won't have the sum
You can strike up the march,
There is no drum
Every heart, every heart
To love will come
But like a refugee.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
That's how the light gets in.
That's how the light gets in."
https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/leonardcohen/anthem.html

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